The dogs look like they knew the news; their owner has passed away.
There's sadness in fluffy's eyes. So is it in all of ours.

As i stare at the picture beside the bed, memories flood my mind like a big wave.
I was three then, in a puffy black tutu-like dress and a hairband with a flower in the middle.
It felt so yesterday that i could feel the rough texture of the dress.
Everything came to a standstill.

i remember once when i was younger, my aunt slipped and sprained her ankle back in the old Bukit Timah house.
Then, there was only my aunt, uncle and i at home.
He said :" go take care of your ah kim"
And so i did.
I am not going to leave her right now when she needs me the most.

A few years back when we had a Fathers' day celebration party back at our house,
the kids planned a miny skit while the parents watched with wide smiles on their faces.
we were all so happy. especially him.
i can never forget the bright orange checkered shirt my uncle wore that day. It was too bright. He was.

Another thing that is so unforgetable of my uncle, is his distinct laughter.
since young, my sibilings and i would always laugh at how funny his laughte was. He snorts while laughing.
i can faintly hear it as i am sitting here on the staircase landing of the second floor. Alone.

My uncle.
He is not afraid of doing and standing up for what is right.
But he is afraid of sleeping alone in the dark.
But my aunt is always there beside him, even on the last three nights of his life.

My aunt.
She has high blood pressure. i just took the reading for her and it was 200.
way, way too high to be anywhere close safe.
She refuse to take medication.
Why?
cause she said he is waiting for her by this beach at some faraway place.
Somewhere only they know.

My heart ached when i heard that cause she is giving up.
But she is not going anywhere. Not now. her time is not up.

She was the one who carried all four of us out of the hospital when we were born.
She's my second mother.
Since young, she took care of me, taught me how to be a better person, love me, watch me grow up, made me who i am today.
Taught me how to bake; something which i have passion in now.
Whenever my mum would blow her top off at me, she'll be the one who speaks up for me.
She believed in me. That one day il change to be a better girl.

And as i hear her hurtful cries of sorrow now, i cant help but think how fragile life is.
Our maker can take us away anytime.
When is my time?



MUDERFISHER
On a worst note, its all over between me and 'canoeboy'. its over.
What i cannot forgive and forget is that fact that he knew and still chose such a bad timing to tell me.
Tell me that he cannot commit now because he likes some other girl.
He still could tell me that he dont wanna lose me.
Can someone say 'confused jerk' ?
He claims he is not like any other jerks who toys with girls' feelings. i beg to differ.
he is much WORST. cause he dont even have the guts to admit to it.
He said he is selfish. Well at least he got that right.
I regretted telling him how he can always change and that everyone has flaws.
Cause this whole damn thing is all about HIM.
when he said he doesnt want to hurt me, its actually all for his own good.
it is HIM not wanting to commit.
it is HIM who doesnt want people to know he is 'attached' so as to be able to play with other girls' feelings.
its all YOU. face it! well let me tell you something, canoeboy, YOU have chosen the wrong girl to mess with.
i am not some toy you can chuck aside when you get bored.
i am much stronger than you think i am.
You kept asking me why i am so strong and why im not crying over you yadayada,
thats because YOU DONT DESERVE A SINGLE SHED OF TEAR from me.
even the dogs do hundred times more than you.
And i have just witnessed someone lossing a love one for more than 27 years.
Nothing else painful can come close to the hurt im feeling for my aunt and the loss of m uncle.
All i ever asked from you is honesty. i dont care if its all over, cause i think honesty is not too much to ask for.
So dear friend, or should i say acquaintance, please wake yourself up from this facade you've been wearing and show your true self.
it cant be THAT bad right. well, i wouldnt know anymore.

The ugly truth is that YOU are a sucker for love and you'll never know what love really is because you dont even know how to trust and be truthful to begin with.

I wish i could have the power to read minds. Then, i wouldnt need to be playing guessing games.
I wish i wouldnt be feeling emo much  this time round, cause it wont get any better.
I wish xxx knew.
I wish xxx did something after knowing.
I wish i was born in the beggining of the year so i can drive right now.
I wish that some people can be a little bit more sensitive to what they say & do.
I wish i could change my bad temper.
I wish i would hit a little harder at tennis matches, without having the fear of hitting outoutout.
I wish i had selective listening so i can block out things i dont wanna hear.
I wish i didnt need to think, cause il have a thinking machine.
I wish i can have all the ice cream i want, anytime, anywhere.

I wish.
I wished there was someone, to make me stop wishing.